I Hate People...But It's Nothing Personal

Dangerous Smiles

In the first video from Simmer Studios, I Hate People! co-authors Jonathan Littman and Marc Hershon talk about the Smiley Face, one of the "Ten Least Wanted" in your office whose job seems to be all about keeping you from doing your job effectively.

If you have a particularly lethal Smiley Face where you work, we'd love to hear about it. Drop your tale into the comments below. If we choose to republish your story here on the front page of the blog, you'll win a free copy of I Hate People!

We Love Sharks

We don’t hate lawyers.

In these shaky economic times it’s tempting to consider lawyers another of the Ten Least Wanted, the people that make it so hard to get stuff done in Corporate America. But that’s a blunder made by all too many corporations and workers.

Savvy lawyers save your company time, aggravation and money.

We advocate the policy of attorney Jay Shepherd, who pens the blog Gruntled Employees. Jay offers pointed, practical advice on “how to keep employees gruntled,” as opposed to disgruntled -- and suing your ass.

Read his views on creative ways to deal with the Pink-Slip Blues, One Employer’s Alternative to Layoffs, legal challenges, Eight Ways to Lose a Non-compete Case, and a little counter-intuitive optimism about how companies should start getting in line to become the employer of choice now: Help Wanted. Apply in July.

Meanwhile, this week’s Christian Science Monitor advocates playing Smiley Face for the legal end of the sour economy in “Good ways to deliver bad news,” espousing such nonsense as,  “People were upset to be laid off, but not upset by the way we handled it.”

Can’t you see it now? Corporate workers everywhere gleefully shouting, “I’m so happy about how my boss fired me!”

Shepherd reflects a more realistic I Hate People! mantra. He recognizes a great result for many corporations is to manage the office hate in a fashion that keeps workers at the safer, gruntled level. Shepherd understands the cost of blowback when you treat individuals at your company like Sheeple.  Smart, legally defensible corporate policies drastically reduce the number of employee grievance lawsuits.

Shepherd runs another blog for legal clients, The Client Revolution, which focuses on the biggest problems with lawyers, “they never talk about helping you save money.”

We love his recent post, "Are Café Owners Smarter Than Lawyers?"  His employment-law firm has killed the billable hour and switched to 100 % fixed fees.

Imagine that. A fixed fee from a lawyer.

That just might give the profession a good name.

— Jonathan Littman

Playing Hooky Becomes A Holiday

“Given today's economy, the eight-hour work day will probably remain a myth to working Americans for the foreseeable future,” says Laura Stack, productivity expert and creator of the upcoming "Leave Work Earlier Day", the fifth annual observance of which is Tuesday, June 2nd. The idea behind the pseudo-holiday is to put in just eight hours that day, rather than the usual run-on workday that most Americans have made a habit of engaging in.

Stack, who has written a series of books on personal productivity (including The Exhaustion Cure, her most recent), believes that "Leave Work Earlier Day" is "an opportunity for people to focus on changing work patterns, adjusting priorities, and engaging in conversations to find ways to achieve work/life balance while improving workplace productivity."

As it so happens, her philosophy dovetails perfectly with the attitude of the Soloist, the independent, productive figure at the center of I Hate People!, which is due for release on Amazon.com and in bookstores everywhere on June 10th. In the book, we talk about the importance of making time for yourself, by both creating a productive space away from the office ("Dig Your Cave") and having perfect places to take a break ("Island Hopping".)

In Stack's case, she's advocating employers and employees mutually agree to the 8-hour hard stop on the workday on June 2nd so that everyone can spend more time with friends and family. In the case of I Hate People!, we suggest you take whatever fleeting spare moments you can wheedle out of your boss and enjoy that time for yourself. In fact, rather than reserving the phrase "Leave Work Earlier" for just one day of the year, we applaud those who start to pick it up as a new daily mantra.

— Marc Hershon

Drop a comment about what's stopping you from leaving work earlier on a more regular basis.

The Class of 2009

College graduates have figured out a brilliant solution to the horrible job market in Corporate America.

They aren’t going to work for years.

According to a new AP poll, one in five graduating seniors have decided to enroll in graduate school to ride out the lousy economy.

But the poll reveals wrinkles with this duck and cover plan. College graduates are already drowning in debt, parents are financially strained, and the foolish old men of Congress plan to make it virtually impossible for anyone under 21 to own a credit card.

Amazingly those dire facts aren’t stopping the backward stampede.

Yes, a smart college degree can help you get ahead in Corporate America. But shelving entering the workforce for years out of fear may doom you to an extended sentence with similarly terrified Sheeple in Terminal Academia. That can’t help but stunt your initiative when you finally decide it’s time to leave the herd for a career.

Contrast this to the week’s other news. Teen entrepreneurs are launching businesses in droves, reports USA Today.  One of my favorites, the African American, Jasmine Lawrence, a high school senior in Williamstown, whose N.J., body-care firm Eden BodyWorks grosses nearly three quarters of a million a year. She’s just hooked up with Wal-Mart in a distribution deal for her beauty products line. Jasmine went into business at 13.

That’s why we at I Hate People! have a dose of reality for the graduating class of 2009.

Get a job, any job. Now!

Work at anything, including what the AP story calls the horror of “even a menial job.”  Become an entrepreneur like Jasmine. Join forces with another entrepreneur. Stop playing video games!
Begin studying now exactly who you’re going to work alongside and overcome in the job market.
By working.

— By Jonathan Littman

Comment on your pointed advice to the class of 2009.

Bungling Bosses

If you've had a sneaking suspicion that one or more of those upper level exex on Mahogany Row are perhaps not as qualified to lead as they should be, you might be onto something. A recent study revealed in the current issue of Harvard Business Review suggests that in fully a third of some 500 companies surveyed, those who were up for senior positions were only interviewed once, twice or maybe up to five times before the decision to hire was made.

According to HBR, "...half the companies relied primarily on the hiring manager’s gut feel, selecting a candidate believed to have ‘what it took’ to be successful in any job.”

Over on the slim side of the spectrum, more stringent companies really put prospective candidates through the wringer, with 12 percent conducting 21 or more interviews! That may be a little extreme but considering what's been going on for the past decade or so, it might be just the kind of third degree today's Suits need.

— Marc Hershon

How many times, on average, should a top level executive be interviewed before being hired?

Face(book) Off

As if you didn't already have to worry enough about management getting in your business. Now a fresh survey has revealed what most Corporate Warriors have long suspected during the recent blossoming of social networks, such as Facebook, MySpace and Twitter.

Six out of ten executives believe they have a right to know how their employees portray themselves on social networks. Not to mention whether they are trashing the company. In contrast, nearly two-thirds of workers under 35 want their bosses to back off. Employers have no business butting into their personal online lives, they say.

The study, conducted by the accounting giant Deloitte LLP, reveals the growing divide between management's outdated desire  to control your every thought and expression, and the increasing freedom and independence of younger, tech-enabled workers.

But why is how you portray yourself on a social network any different from how you portray yourself at other social outings - tossing back beers at your neighborhood bar, that blow out weekend in Vegas, or your behavior at dreaded family get-togethers?

Simple. The boss doesn't get invited to your Thanksgiving chow down or Vegas, but he can pay a third world tech slave to troll your Facebook and monitor your tweets.

Why? For the simple reason that the study found that three quarters of employees have figured out something else about social networks: They're fast and easy to trash your company's rep.

Even if Corporate Big Brother does crack down on such social network trash talk, it may not make much difference. 49 percent of those surveyed said that more stringent guidelines wouldn't change their behavior.

- Jonathan Littman

To trash or not to trash, that is the question. What's YOUR answer?

Reality TV Cubed

Workers in Corporate America have been getting it every which way from their bosses. Shady company investments that have wiped out their lifelong pensions and sham accounting that disguised company problems, all while executives were grabbing massive propped up stock giveaways that left them rich and employees high and dry. Now those workers can add a new nightmare to today's catastrophic layoffs and 20 percent pay cuts. Believe it or not, that seemingly honest and hardworking fellow cubemate or dockbuddy may hold a dark secret.

Maybe, just maybe, he's the boss in disguise. Undercover Boss, a new CBS reality show set to debut this fall, will adopt that frightening premise. Modeled after the British series of the same name, the series will follow corporate executives toiling in disguise at the "dirtiest, dreariest position" in their own company, The New York Post reported Monday.

Think of it as Invasion of the Body Snatchers meets The Office.

Of course, real executives have been doing a more civilized version of this for ages. It's called "Management By Walking Around." It requires getting out of the boardroom and off your butt -- and actually being a leader. A technique that was developed more than a half century ago, it doesn't require you to be a double agent or slip a spy camera up your sleeve. Just be a boss who actually gives a crap about his company.

Naturally, CBS's Boss will feature that distinctly nasty American flavor. Not only will good employees be recognized for their contributions, but slackers will get sacked -- or, even worse, humiliated on national television -- was that in the employee contract? Just imagine what a boon this will be for company trust and morale. What a brilliant new management concept!

I Hate People! suggests another plot twist: Give the workers a chance to vote the boss off the company grounds. Maybe even give him the boot -- for real! Hey, it's only fair.

— Jonathan Littman

Use the Comment feature to tell us what twist you'd like to add to an office reality show.

The Start of the "Motivational Moment" Movement

Here’s a motivational technique that has yet to make a mark in the business world: Threatening with an intent to bite. Burney Hayes is a police sargent and junior varsity coach in Lake Wales, Florida, who was accused of biting a player’s nose during a football game last fall.

What’s interesting is that, in the face of the charge, Hayes denied biting the student but did say that he placed his teeth over the player’s nose in a “motivational moment” as part of his coaching. A Motivational Moment? What a great phrase!

Imagine just before a presentation that your boss waves his fist in your face as a Motivational Moment. Maybe a client threatens to not pay you on time as a Motivational Moment. Or perhaps to urge one of your workgroup members along you swing your foot near his butt as a Motivational Moment.

What would the repercussions be like? In the case of Sargent Hayes, he got his own Motivational Moment. In the form of a pretrial intervention — he gets to keep his Lake Wale Police Department job, but has to make a hefty donation to a local youth organization of his choice.

— Marc Hershon

What’s your best example of a ”Motivational Moment”?

Brits Have The Shortest Fuse

You wouldn’t know it to look at them, but the British are the angriest people in Europe. According to a survey by comedy channel G.O.L.D., people in England blow their tops more often than folks in neighboring countries — four times a day, on average.

By comparison, the Italians go off three-and-a-half times a day — unclear how one gets “half angry” -- while the French lose their cool three times during the day. If you want to avoid getting on someone’s bad side, head for the Scandinavian climes, where the locals only blow their stack once every five days.

The most likely thing to cause a Brit to lose that stiff upper lip is someone cutting in line (or “queue-jumping” as they put it across the Pond), followed on the annoyance meter by traffic jams, poor customer service, foreign call centers, ill-mannered neighbors, racism, bad driving and swearing in public.

The top hot button for Italians is erratic driving while nothing gets a French person’s chevre more than bad food and sloppy service in restaurants. As for those slow-burn Scandinavians, the thing that gets them hot under the collar is when someone makes fun of one of their countries.

Of course, when you burn someone's scones in England, you may not ever know it. According to Mike Fisher, the founder of the British Association of Anger Management, the British are mostly passive aggressive and not the kind prone to screaming, yelling and getting violent. You still want to be careful who you piss off because, according to Fisher, “People who say they don't have a problem with anger are usually the most dangerous.”

— Marc Hershon

What are the Top Five things that people do that get YOU steamed?

News Flash: Madison Avenue Discovers Hate Sells.

Today's New York Times announced that companies are abandoning the phony culture of nice. All we can say is: what took you so long?

Recognizing that "touchy feely" campaigns, such as those fronted by Kodak and other amorphous desperate multi-billion conglomerates, are turning off jaded consumers in droves, Corporate America is coming to the rescue with something ancient and authentic: Anger.

"The campaigns take an outspoken, provocative tone that is unusual for mainstream marketing messages, which typically try to avoid aggrieved attitudes for fear of alienating audiences," writes Stuart Elliot of the Times.

What a concept! Bold, fearless provocation. Never seen that in great art, literature and design.

One of my favorite prickly pitches is that of Post Shredded Wheat, which pretty much sums up the new world view in eight words, "Progress is overrated" and "Innovation is not your friend."

Then again, it's hard to argue with the tattoo freshness of Harley Davidson's rallying cry against "the stink of greed and billion-dollar bankruptcies."

Just think, now that corporations are seeing that consumers flock to authentic hate, they might just realize it's time to steam clean a little of that phony niceness out of the corporate cubes and boardrooms.

Smart hate is just what American business needs in this downbutt economy.

— Jonathan Littman

Send us your best example of a hot Hate Ad and we'll put it online.